i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just pee around me
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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