I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
