I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
