I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
