Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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