If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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