4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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