The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
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Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
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holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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