she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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