for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
