I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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