Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Green mimosas i think yes
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
