Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
