im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
