some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
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I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
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I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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