Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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