Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i will never coherently bang her
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
