Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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