A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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