I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
