Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
