I will die if light touches me.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
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I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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