Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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