Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
