I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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