Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am spending my child support on dildos
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM