Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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