Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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