Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
