Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
