I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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