Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
