I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
