ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I look better un-naked...
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
