I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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