I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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