i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
