Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
