if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
