This is not my ceiling
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
3 2 1 whiskey
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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