smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize