So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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