Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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