What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
