i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
