I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
operation harelip BJ is a go
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
