Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Girls should come with a carfax report
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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