Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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