Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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