Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
