Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
