he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
