it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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